Terri (the marriage and family therapist) and I (the engineer) have been married for nearly 40 years! Some of you, who have also been married a long time, can probably relate to how it feels for me. It seems like we have been married forever. I have an increasingly hard time recalling significant events in my life before we were married. Were there any? At the same time, it seems like we just got married yesterday. As the saying goes, “Time flies when you’re having fun.” Well . . . having fun most of the time, anyway.
I think anybody who says they have never struggled a little in their marriage is lying! Maybe they just have what Terri calls “The Ostrich Syndrome.” In any case, the struggles will not be your focus if you keep sight of the big picture by creating shared meaning in your marriage. Most of us yearn to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and a marriage can be one of those things. Gottman’s principles show you how to improve your marriage, even if you already think it’s great.
Your Marriage Has a Culture
Have you ever considered that your marriage has a culture? Your workplace does. Your country, your town, even your neighborhood has one, too. Merriam-Webster defines “culture” as “the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization.” What attitudes, values, goals, and practices (customs) do you share with your spouse in your marriage? Let me tell you about a few of our customs.
Some Customs of the Fisher Marriage Culture
Saturdays nearly always begin with a great family breakfast. Terri makes scrambled eggs with cheese (yes!) and other yummy ingredients that vary week to week. We almost always have homemade biscuits or sweet rolls, and fruit, too. It is not just the food. It is family time that can go on for a couple of hours. The conversation is just as good as the food. Dreams, concerns, and future plans just naturally come up when families eat together. Try it with your family!
Our Saturdays usually end the way they started – eating together. Saturday night is ice cream night, and our favorite place to go for it is Dairy Queen. They have a great all-day “5-Buck Lunch” special that we get for dinner and follow with ice cream.
These weekend customs have become part of our marriage culture. We have customs during the week, too. If you want to have a great highlight during your day, do what we do and go on a lunch date once in a while. Going on dates keeps your relationship alive, so never stop dating just because you got married!
Some Values and Goals of the Fisher Marriage Culture
Even more important than customs, are shared values within your marriage. Our values include making God part of our marriage, and our lives. That makes having shared goals easy. Many of them are a result of what we believe God expects us to do in this life.
Another important thing we share is Fireproof Counseling. Now, I’m not a therapist, but I do find ways to support Terri at being a skilled and successful therapist. She returns the favor by supporting me in my job as an engineering professor. I brought many troubled college students home for dinner over the years by saying, “My wife is good at helping with that; come home with me for dinner and talk to her.” We are still friends with many of those students.
Create Shared Meaning for Your Marriage
Don’t just take the word of a Dilbert like me on how to create shared meaning. Terri is a certified Gottman expert. She can help you find and create shared meaning in your relationship. Give her a call and see how much stronger your marriage can be!
(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)