Category: Articles by Terri Fisher, LMFT and Rex Fisher, PhD

By Rex Fisher, PhD

My home office is a museum for old tools and similar artifacts.  Many of them belonged to my grandfather, who was a carpenter, a painter, and a craftsman.  There is one curio among my collection, however, that has never been owned by anyone besides me.

When I was in first grade, I found a stone in the school playground that resembled the head of a hatchet.  I thought it must have been from an old Indian tomahawk.  My dad helped me attach it to a wooden handle and it became one of my favorite toys.  It was tied together with only a leather cord – not rawhide – so the head was always a bit loose.

One day when I was about 12 years old, I was swinging it around in my bedroom when the stone head came off.  It flew across the room and cut a hole in the wall.  Terrified, my brother and I rearranged the room’s furnishings to hide the hole behind our dresser.  Because we were young boys, we forgot about the hole after a short while.  But, moving day eventually came!

As the movers carried the dresser to the truck, the forgotten hole was exposed.  There was no hiding it from Mom and Dad, who had to repair the damaged wall before we could complete the move to our new home in another state.  It would have been so much easier to fix when the damage first occurred instead of waiting until moving day.  Why didn’t I tell my parents sooner?

Many of us carry around psychological and emotional scars that we have hidden for years.  We may have done a good job at covering them up – for now – but they will eventually come to light.  They will never be easier to fix than they will be right now.  Waiting to deal with them later is never a good idea.

The right therapist can help you repair those hidden scars and get on with your life.  Call or text Terri Fisher at Fireproof Counseling for a consultation.

(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)

by Rex Fisher, PhD

NASA provided a terrific example of how to reach your goals.

On July 16, 1969, I was glued to the television along with many other people in the world.  The most powerful machine ever built – even to this day – stood on a launch pad in Florida.  Atop the 363 foot high Saturn V rocket were three men, who were going to make the first moon landing in history.

The first stage of the mighty rocket fired, and after about three minutes, the Apollo 11 was going over 6,000 miles per hour.  Then the empty first stage dropped away and the second stage fired.  When its fuel was depleted, it had delivered the astronauts to low earth orbit.

That was as high as the space shuttle ever got!  It didn’t have enough power to break free of Earth’s orbit and really go anywhere.  You probably know people like that.  They just go around and around in circles, never achieving their goals in life.  They don’t seem to have enough power to do it.  But, the Apollo 11 had one more rocket stage left.  It accelerated Apollo 11 from about 16,000 mile per hour to a little over 25,000, which was enough to leave orbit and head for the moon.

It’s a wonderful feeling to have a good bead on things and be moving toward a goal.  Sometimes, though, we drift off course.  That’s exactly what happened to Apollo 11.  A little more than a day after launch, mission control told them they needed to make a course correction.  It wasn’t a lot, but when going that fast for that far, even being off a fraction of a degree meant they would miss the moon.  Without the moon to slingshot around, they could never turn around and return home.  They would die in the cold vacuum of space, millions of miles away from Earth.

Fortunately, mission control caught the error early in the trip, and after a few calculations and a short burn of their engine, they were back on course to make history.  Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first people to walk on the moon a few days later, but it wouldn’t have happened if someone hadn’t noticed they were off course and could help them take action to reach their goal.

We all have goals.  Some are small ones and others are the focus of our lives.  It’s easy to become distracted and veer off course, and we often don’t realize it until it’s too late.  Some of us are fortunate enough to have family or friends who can warn us in time.  Even then, however, we may need help calculating the exact rocket burn that will make the correction to reach our goal.

My wife, Terri, is an expert at helping people break out of orbit or get back on course.  She can help you determine the best way to do it and even show you where to find a little fuel for your rocket engine if necessary.  Give her a call and don’t miss out on your own personal moon walk.

(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)

by Rex Fisher, PhD

Whether you believe it or not, your kids lie to you.  Let me share a personal story.

I remember playing cowboys and Indians, and cops and robbers when I was a kid in the early 1960’s.  A cap gun was a central prop for those games.  If you were born too late to know what a cap gun is, it was loaded with a paper strip that had small dots of mildly explosive powder along its length.  With each trigger pull, the strip advanced and the toy gun’s hammer fell on a fresh dot of powder.  You would be rewarded with a satisfying BANG!  Without the caps, the gun would only go click, click, click, instead of BANG, BANG, BANG.

I was at the store with my parents one day and asked them to buy some more caps.  After being told, “No”, I put some in my pocket anyway and secretly took them home.  My brother and I got up very early the next morning to play with them before Mom and Dad awoke.  But our underdeveloped brains did not think to go outside where we would not be heard.  Instead, we shot them in the house!

As you can probably imagine, we woke our parents and I had to explain where the caps came from.  “Petey gave them to me.”  My dad could have taken that answer at face value and let it drop.  But, he knew all kids lie to their parents in order to stay out of trouble.  If you think your kids never lie to you, and you always take their side in a dispute, you need to rethink that.  ALL kids lie to their parents, even yours.

My dad got dressed and took me down the street to Petey’s house.  His dad answered the door.  “Sergeant Wickham, my son told me that Petey gave him some caps.  I’d like to verify that.”  “Sure, Lieutenant Fisher.  I’ll go get him.”   Well, Petey denied giving me the caps, which was true of course.  I remember having to earn the money to pay for them, then going with my dad to confess to the store manager and give him the money.

Are you willing to make the effort to seize upon a teaching moment like that when your kids lie to you?  Do you spend enough time with your kids to even recognize when such an opportunity presents itself?  If so, you are a rare breed of parent — one who actually takes part in their children’s lives in today’s busy world.

Of course, even diligent parents have children that sometimes begin acting out without any obvious reason.  Family counseling may be just the thing to identify and resolve the cause of that behavior.  Even good parents can’t always do it alone.  Let Terri help!

(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)

by Terri Fisher

Terra Nova was a television show that originally aired on the Fox Broadcasting Company Network a few years ago and is now on Netflix.  We started watching the show hoping it would be family oriented and have amazing special effects and interesting stories.  One of the executive producers is Steven Spielberg.  I thought that between that and having actors we like, the show would be worthwhile.  My family and I were not disappointed.

I have to admit that I have never before visited a website for any type of TV program.  This show, however, prompted me to do it.  The phrase, “There is no paradise without sacrifice” comes up on the screen when one first pulls up the website (Fox, 2012).  The main reason I like this show is because of the sacrifices the family has made for their beliefs.

The premise of the show starts with a family in the future.  The future is a bleak and desolate world where air, food, and space are a premium.  People have to wear re-breathers just to go outside due to contamination.  Procreation is limited to two children per married couple.  The space they are assigned to live in is smaller than a studio apartment.

The Shannon family is an intact family with a mother named Elizabeth, a father named Jim, and three children.  According to the law, the third child, Zoe, is illegal.  The family hides her for the first five years of her life.  She is then discovered.  The consequence for the family is that either Zoe is taken away or Jim goes to prison for the rest of his life.  Jim ends up in prison.

The show then discusses the Terra Nova adventure.  Through a lot of physics, mathematics, and other science that is probably more accurate than we think, a fracture in time has been discovered that can transport people back to a period in earth’s history when the dinosaurs ruled the earth.  The idea presented is that humanity has a second chance to rebuild civilization and prevent the problems that got the world in its current pitiful and desolate situation. Many people want the opportunity to go to Terra Nova.  Unfortunately, not everyone can go.  Who goes is controlled by the government, which is corrupt of course, and normal people are only allowed passage if they win a lottery.  You can see that most will not be chosen.

Because Elisabeth is a trauma surgeon in addition to being a medical doctor, she is picked to go back.  She can take two of her children with her.  Jim, obviously, will also not be able to go as he is a felon and in prison.  Through an elaborate series of planned and carefully executed events that are highly improbable, similar to a Mission Impossible movie, Jim escapes, Zoe is hidden in a backpack, and they all make it through the portal to Terra Nova.

Upon their arrival at Terra Nova, Elisabeth becomes the main surgeon, Jim becomes one of the leaders, and the children are working, going to school, and generally adding chaos and mayhem to the lives of their parents.  I see families operating like this today.

There are several reasons why I like this show.  One of them is that even though the two worlds portrayed are vastly different than ours is today, the problems they face and the family lessons they learn apply to us.  Another reason I like it is the choices made by the parents in regard to having another child even though the law prohibited it.  I also like how the show incorporates the feelings and actions of the children that are a result of the choices of their parents and the sacrifices they made for their family.  I have seen many shows where parents are portrayed as inept and stupid people who are lovingly guided by their children to do the right thing.  In this show, the parents accept responsibility for their choices even though they may not be the correct ones.

In conclusion, I enjoy watching this show because even though the settings are certainly fantastical, the situations that the family becomes embroiled in are very much like those I see every day.  It also opens up dialogue between my family members about interesting and relevant topics we all face.  We all have to make sacrifices for our families, and they have consequences.  Finally, I have to admit, I love cool special effects and artistry that gives me a different picture of civilization other than what I see every day.

(Terri Fisher is a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)

by Rex Fisher, PhD

Terri (the marriage and family therapist) and I (the engineer) have been married for over 40 years!  Some of you, who have also been married a long time, can probably relate to how it feels for me.  It seems like we have been married forever.  I have an increasingly hard time recalling significant events in my life before we were married.  Were there any?  At the same time, it seems like we just got married yesterday.  As the saying goes, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”  Well . . . having fun most of the time, anyway.

I think anybody who says they have never struggled a little in their marriage is lying!  Maybe they just have what Terri calls “The Ostrich Syndrome.”  In any case, the struggles will not be your focus if you keep sight of the big picture by creating shared meaning in your marriage.  Most of us yearn to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and a marriage can be one of those things.  Gottman’s principles show you how to improve your marriage, even if you already think it’s great.

Your Marriage Has a Culture

Have you ever considered that your marriage has a culture?  Your workplace does.  Your country, your town, even your neighborhood has one, too.  Merriam-Webster defines “culture” as “the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization.”  What attitudes, values, goals, and practices (customs) do you share with your spouse in your marriage?  Let me tell you about a few of our customs.

Some Customs of the Fisher Marriage Culture

Saturdays nearly always begin with a great family breakfast.  Terri makes scrambled eggs with cheese (yes!) and other yummy ingredients that vary week to week.  We almost always have homemade biscuits or sweet rolls, and fruit, too.  It is not just the food.  It is family time that can go on for a couple of hours.  The conversation is just as good as the food.  Dreams, concerns, and future plans just naturally come up when families eat together.  Try it with your family!

Our Saturdays usually end the way they started – eating together.  Saturday night is ice cream night, and our favorite place to go for it is Dairy Queen.  They have a great all-day “5-Buck Lunch” special that we get for dinner and follow with ice cream.

These weekend customs have become part of our marriage culture.  We have customs during the week, too.  If you want to have a great highlight during your day, do what we do and go on a lunch date once in a while.  Going on dates keeps your relationship alive, so never stop dating just because you got married!

Some Values and Goals of the Fisher Marriage Culture

Even more important than customs, are shared values within your marriage.  Our values include making God part of our marriage, and our lives.  That makes having shared goals easy.  Many of them are a result of what we believe God expects us to do in this life.

Another important thing we share is Fireproof Counseling.  Now, I’m not a therapist, but I do find ways to support Terri at being a skilled and successful therapist.  She returns the favor by supporting me in my job as an engineering professor.  I brought many troubled college students home for dinner over the years by saying, “My wife is good at helping with that; come home with me for dinner and talk to her.”  We are still friends with many of those students.

Create Shared Meaning for Your Marriage

Don’t just take the word of a Dilbert like me on how to create shared meaning.   Terri is a certified Gottman expert.  She can help you find and create shared meaning in your relationship.  Give her a call and see how much stronger your marriage can be!

(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)

by Rex Fisher, PhD

I want to share with you other husbands an important lesson I learned about respecting our wives and making decisions together.  It is one of John Gottman’s seven principles of a happy marriage.  He calls it, “Let Your Partner Influence You.”

In 2003 we moved to a small hobby farm north of Rexburg, Idaho.  It had an old farmhouse, some barns, and a few acres of pasture.  One day, late that summer, Terri had been out in the pasture and found some snakes and mice living in the tall grass.  She asked me to cut the grass in the pasture, which would discourage the pests from living so close to the house.

Now, if you have ever tried cutting knee-high grass with a lawn mower, you know how hard it is and how long it takes.  My neighbor across the street watched me from his front porch and laughed at me for even attempting it.  After many days, I told my wife the job was done, but that I would never do it again with our lawn mower.  “We need a tractor with a big field mower.”  She smiled, thanked me for cutting the grass, and reminded me that moving to the hobby farm had depleted our finances, so buying a tractor right now would be unwise.

I knew she was right, but I could not let go of getting a tractor.  I became almost obsessed with visiting tractor dealers over the next few months to see the used tractors they had on their lots.  The more I shopped, the more I knew I just had to have one.  I think most of you have probably “been there, done that” at one time or another as well.

Finally, it got to the point where I convinced myself that Terri just did not understand how much we needed a tractor and that it would be easier for me to simply get one and seek forgiveness later.  After all, I thought, she would soon see that I was right about it.  A few days later I secretly got a small loan from the bank, bought a 43-year-old diesel tractor, and had it delivered to the house.

I came home that day to find the most beautiful 5000 pounds of semi-rusted metal I had ever seen outside in my driveway.  But, what awaited me inside the house was not so exciting.  To put it mildly, Terri was not pleased with what I had done.

Over time, the tractor really did prove itself to be important on our small hobby farm.  It mowed the fields, plowed the snow, moved big bales of hay, and cleaned out irrigation ditches.  Even Terri learned to drive it and used it to pull out fence posts and skid logs.  So, you might think I was right about getting the tractor.  BUT – I was not!

You see husbands, it really was not about whether having the tractor was necessary, or who was right about when it was needed.  (In fact, I did not get the field mower until the following summer.  I could easily have waited, just like Terri asked, to get the tractor then as well.)  And even though Terri, herself, used it and was glad we had it, I was still wrong to get it the way I did.  Why?

I violated her trust.  I told her, with my actions, that I did not appreciate her intelligence or her ability to make good decisions.  I took the decision power for myself and rendered her an unequal partner in our marriage.  Can you imagine how much that must have hurt?  The real offense was not the money I spent.  It was my silent announcement that “you, and what you think, do not matter to me”!

Letting your partner influence you is not the same thing as tossing her a bone once in a while.  It does not mean rolling your eyes and being condescending.  It means that the two of you are a team.  You are equal partners.  You set your goals and work toward them together.  You share important decisions.  You capitalize on each others’ strengths to chart your course through life together.

Letting your partner influence you is one of the important principles for maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.  Oh – and wives – even though I wrote this from a husband’s perspective for other husbands, it is equally important for you to treat them with the same respect you expect to receive.

Terri specializes in making Gottman’s principles and methods work for you and your relationship.  As you can see, she’s had plenty of practice by being married to me.  Give her a call and see how your relationship can be better.

(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)