by Rex Fisher, PhD
I want to share with you other husbands an important lesson I learned about respecting our wives and making decisions together. It is one of John Gottman’s seven principles of a happy marriage. He calls it, “Let Your Partner Influence You.”
In 2003 we moved to a small hobby farm north of Rexburg, Idaho. It had an old farmhouse, some barns, and a few acres of pasture. One day, late that summer, Terri had been out in the pasture and found some snakes and mice living in the tall grass. She asked me to cut the grass in the pasture, which would discourage the pests from living so close to the house.
Now, if you have ever tried cutting knee-high grass with a lawn mower, you know how hard it is and how long it takes. My neighbor across the street watched me from his front porch and laughed at me for even attempting it. After many days, I told my wife the job was done, but that I would never do it again with our lawn mower. “We need a tractor with a big field mower.” She smiled, thanked me for cutting the grass, and reminded me that moving to the hobby farm had depleted our finances, so buying a tractor right now would be unwise.
I knew she was right, but I could not let go of getting a tractor. I became almost obsessed with visiting tractor dealers over the next few months to see the used tractors they had on their lots. The more I shopped, the more I knew I just had to have one. I think most of you have probably “been there, done that” at one time or another as well.
Finally, it got to the point where I convinced myself that Terri just did not understand how much we needed a tractor and that it would be easier for me to simply get one and seek forgiveness later. After all, I thought, she would soon see that I was right about it. A few days later I secretly got a small loan from the bank, bought a 43-year-old diesel tractor, and had it delivered to the house.
I came home that day to find the most beautiful 5000 pounds of semi-rusted metal I had ever seen outside in my driveway. But, what awaited me inside the house was not so exciting. To put it mildly, Terri was not pleased with what I had done.
Over time, the tractor really did prove itself to be important on our small hobby farm. It mowed the fields, plowed the snow, moved big bales of hay, and cleaned out irrigation ditches. Even Terri learned to drive it and used it to pull out fence posts and skid logs. So, you might think I was right about getting the tractor. BUT – I was not!
You see husbands, it really was not about whether having the tractor was necessary, or who was right about when it was needed. (In fact, I did not get the field mower until the following summer. I could easily have waited, just like Terri asked, to get the tractor then as well.) And even though Terri, herself, used it and was glad we had it, I was still wrong to get it the way I did. Why?
I violated her trust. I told her, with my actions, that I did not appreciate her intelligence or her ability to make good decisions. I took the decision power for myself and rendered her an unequal partner in our marriage. Can you imagine how much that must have hurt? The real offense was not the money I spent. It was my silent announcement that “you, and what you think, do not matter to me”!
Letting your partner influence you is not the same thing as tossing her a bone once in a while. It does not mean rolling your eyes and being condescending. It means that the two of you are a team. You are equal partners. You set your goals and work toward them together. You share important decisions. You capitalize on each others’ strengths to chart your course through life together.
Letting your partner influence you is one of the important principles for maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. Oh – and wives – even though I wrote this from a husband’s perspective for other husbands, it is equally important for you to treat them with the same respect you expect to receive.
Terri specializes in making Gottman’s principles and methods work for you and your relationship. As you can see, she’s had plenty of practice by being married to me. Give her a call and see how your relationship can be better.
(Rex is married to Terri Fisher, a marriage and family therapist who provides equine-assisted counseling and family counseling in Itasca, Texas.)